I have been debating sharing with you what I've been doing for the past two weeks, because I am still so sad about the events that have gone down recently.
I have been feeling a bit ashamed about how I handled myself as a reaction to these events. However, after finally indulging in a healing day filled with much needed self-care that included lunch with an inspiring friend & colleague;
I was encouraged and inspired to share with you my story about what has been going on in my world for the last two weeks.
I write this blog with tears in my eyes because someone very close to my heart unexpectedly passed away in a car accident just three short weeks ago. She was my cousin, but not just my cousin, she was the first sister I had ever really known. I lived as an only-child for 11 years in my house growing up, so getting together with my cousin was next to going to Disney Land in the 'excitement department' for me as a kid. She was 5 years younger than I, so enjoyed playing the big sister role and showing her the "the World according to Maureen". She was always a wide-eyed & willing pupil. She and I played, had sleepovers, and grew up together. Her younger brothers became my younger brothers and we all played happily together as often as our parents would allow. Her Dad got a job back East when I was about 13 and they had to move out of Colorado. By then, our bond was solidified and we stayed in touch as we grew into young adults. She grew up to become the most intelligent, kind and compassionate person I've ever known. No exaggeration. Not even a little bit. Even though she was 5 years younger than I, her drive and passion for learning & life was so powerful, that I began to look up to her. I sought her advice and guidance at every family reunion and through texts & email exchanges.
She went on to graduate at the top of her High School Class, got a scholarship to Columbia, and was just about to graduate from Law School when her life was taken in a terrible car accident.
My whole extended family met back East for the funeral. The entire time, I kept expecting, yearning to see her walk through the door and sit down with me to talk about how our lives were going and watch her lovingly play with my 3-year-old son.
As tradition has it, family gatherings (happy or sad) have always and will always include large amounts of food & alcohol- available to everyone at all times. Right or wrong, it's what brings us together. My cousin and I spent many good times chatting and stuffing our faces at the buffet table.
True to form, from the time my family arrived for the funeral, all the way to the time we departed, there was mass amounts of food on the table at every venue we convened. The reason I was ashamed to share this with you, is because I bellied right up to EVERY food table available and ate my weight in crappy food until I physically couldn't eat anymore. I ate every time I experienced any kind of emotion in order to distract myself from feeling them. In fact, I haven't stopped eating until just a couple of days ago. I've been waking up at night, unable to sleep because I can feel my Aunt & Uncle's heartbreak from across the country, so I eat. I have also been drinking alcohol to dull the pain; more like wine by the very large glassful. I have been skipping my workouts because every time I go running, I think of my cousin (who was awarded scholarships for her running abilities), and I inevitably start crying in public and have to stop running because stifling my tears while trying to run takes my breath away.
I have basically been doing everything I encourage my clients not to do.
Avoiding my emotions, eating and drinking foods that wouldn't nourish my body at all. Skipping exercise, when I know it would be good for my mind. Basically, I've felt like a phony. What kind of Health Coach behaves like this? The more I told myself how badly I was doing, the worse my behavior got.
Finally, after another night with little sleep, and stuffing my face full of carb-laden baked goods, I asked myself, "what would I tell a client who was in my exact situation?" I would tell her that this is what it means to grieve, this is what it looks like for her as an individual. This is a process that she needs to work through and learn from, and be gentle with herself in the meantime.
I realize now that I need to love myself enough to give myself a break. After having that small breakthrough, something inside me clicked. I immediately had the desire to return to the healthy eating habits and exercise routine that I'd abandoned.
On Monday, I cooked my family a healthy, nourishing meal, and went running. I did cry during the run, but I allowed it to be OK. I leaned into the pain and was surprised to see that the tears flowed for only a few seconds. On Tuesday, I went to see my Grandmother & My Aunt's brand new baby. We had pizza, but that didn't matter because I didn't berate myself for eating it. What mattered, was that I nourished my soul by visiting my family, holding my brand new baby cousin and enjoying the new life that helped brighten our sorrow-filled souls.
The point is, life is unpredictable.
You MUST live in the moment and take care of yourself. Sometimes taking care of yourself means forgiving yourself when you're not making perfect choices. Sometimes self-care means indulging a little bit around the food table in order to feel the much needed closeness of family and friends. Sometimes, breaking down in public, having a glass of wine, or allowing yourself a mid-day nap is a necessary step in the direction of healing. Berating yourself and allowing yourself to go into a shame spiral is counter productive and will dig you further into the negative emotions you are trying to avoid.
I am still having trouble processing her passing. I think about it several times a day, and I still sometimes wake up at night. I will probably think about her every day for the rest of my life. She was a special person to me. I am going to give myself permission to do whatever feels necessary in the moment while I work through this. My hope is that you do the same for yourself should you encounter a life event that throws you off track. That is the true meaning of health and healing.
May you have a happy & HEALthy rest of your week.
Sincerely,
Coach Maureen
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